My Restaurant is Classy

I work at a restaurant that has provided me with a lifetime of amusing stories (especially after I have had a few). So far, these are the Hall of Famers...not so much with the amusing part, but more of an ick-factor. I can't believe I have known these people!

Patron #1 was busted with the largest cache of privately owned kiddy porn EVER. As a successful lawyer, you have to wonder why he spent so many days at a family friendly joint on his laptop for hours at end. To his credit, he did always have his back to the windows where you could see children running around.

We did get to see Patron #1 planning his defense with a table full of lawyers after he had been bailed out. At that time, he remained shy and very careful to not show anyone his face. Quite creepy, as it is my job to always be nice to paying customers. I never followed up in the news, but I am quite positive he got sent away for a very long time.

My first run-in with Patron #2 happened the night he told me he wanted to use my body as a plate for his dessert. I vomited in my mouth. Since that evening, I have been very careful to only politely nod at him when he is drinking. He has always given me the creep vibe and it has been affirmed by his new M.O. Porn on his laptop. That is right, ladies and gentlemen, it has been reported that when he sees cute girls at the bar, he immediately turns his laptop (sound on!) to pornographic websites.

What gets me most about this situation is this: Does he really think girls in their late 20's are going to be impressed by a disgusting older man watching porn in a public place. I try to imagine if I were the girls and that happened when I was at happy hour. Would I really turn to my friend and comment on how hot the 40 something man is while listening to, "that's right, give me some more.."? Ooh, I thought he was okay looking, but now that he is watching porn, he is soooo hot! Uh, no. What is his display to accomplish?

I am not 100% sure, but I swear I saw his mug shot on the news the other day for arrest in connection with sexual assault. I can't tell because no one looks the same in flourescent lit prison orange as they do in the lovely lights at my work. We'll have to see if he is back soon or not. I really hope not, because as he has not yet been caught in the act by staff, there is no solid proof. I feel that I am too old to have the "Porn is for home" conversation with anyone, especially a creepy old customer.